I just spent a good chunk of time this morning rifling through my old sketchbooks, trying to find the pencil drawing I did of Kurt when I was a teenager, the source photo being this famous shot of him from “Unplugged”. I was not successful, but it was fun traveling back through my teenage drawings. Note to self: more drawing.

I remember buying my very first c.d.’s through one of those c.d buying clubs as a young teenager. I don’t remember every c.d. I purchased in that first batch, but the ones I do recall included “Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits”, “The Best of the Doors”, Guns ‘n’ Roses “Use Your Illusion I” (I used to headbang to that one getting ready to go candy stripe at the hospital–memories!), and of course, the most important and definitive album of my teen years: “In Utero” by Nirvana.

My mother must have picked up the liner notes and read them one day, or perhaps she just looked at the song titles, but she definitely did NOT approve of the song “Rape Me” (this was also, incidentally, the first song I taught myself how to play on the guitar). I accompanied her to the nearby high school track we often walked at and watched her dump “In Utero” in the trash, along with the Guns ‘n’ Roses c.d. for good measure (maybe she didn’t like the song title “Back Off Bitch“?). Of course my mother didn’t realize that I made about 4 tape-recordings of each c.d. before this was accomplished (clever girl!) so I could still listen to “In Utero” over and over and over again. Even now I have the entire album memorized. I would kill at Nirvana karaoke.

When Kurt died 20 years ago this day, I was only 14 years old, and just getting into Nirvana. I had just started my obsession. His death just made me more obsessed. I lovingly recreated his image on paper, with pencils and markers. I bought some crappy old jeans from one of the thrift stores I was always shopping at and dubbed them my “Kurt Jeans” (and I still have them).

Wearing my Kurt Jeans last October, to paint in.

I saved magazine and newspaper clippings in a giant manila envelope, stuffed under my bed…which I eventually traded to my cousin Erika for a pair of her mother’s vintage wooden disco heels. Erika was always more into Courtney; but my love…my love was strictly reserved for Kurt.

Christmas gift from Josh, 2008.

Kurt was far too delicate for this world, certainly too delicate for the enormous fame that Nirvana reached so quickly. He was sensitive and sweet and an artist and a feminist. Now that I live in Seattle, the rainy days make Nirvana sound that much better. Yesterday my favorite local radio station KEXP did a day-long tribute to Nirvana. I heard “Radio Friendly Unit Shifter”, a title from “In Utero”, on the way to work and teared up a bit right here:

Hate, hate your enemies
Save, save your friends
Find, find your place
Speak, speak the truth

…even at 7 o’clock in the morning, 20 years later, that album still has an emotional grip on me. I can’t say the same for most of the other music I listened to during that time period…Alanis Morissette? Nope. Nine Inch Nails? Great at the time, but I don’t listen to them any more. Ah Kurt. I can’t believe it’s been 20 years.

Today I plan on listening to at least TWO Nirvana albums (care to guess which ones?), donning my Kurt Jeans and perhaps some oversized, round sunglasses, if the sun comes out. Fitting that it’s raining today.