Remember how excited I was about getting a body wave? All Friday at work I kept fantasizing about my hair, and in my imagination it kept getting bigger and bigger and BIGGER, a’la Sarah Jessica Parker in “L.A. Story” big. The stylist was young and cute, and she promised me that she did perms “all the time”, she “loved them”, she was KNOWN for her perms, by golly gee.

And I don’t know, maybe there was a little foreshadowing going on that I should have been more attuned to. Like when I told her that I rarely used a hairdryer, that I washed my hair at night and let it blow dry.

“You won’t be doing that any more!” she said cheerfully, lathering up my hair. She went on to use words like “diffuser”, “mousse”, and “scrunch”. I was familiar with “scrunch”–shit, I had a perm in the early 90’s like everyone else, but WAIT A MINUTE.

“Are you telling me,” I said in horror, “That I’m trading in my 20 minute hair routine in the morning for an hour and half long hair routine?”

She told me that I might be able to get away with showering at night, but my hair would be a huge ball of frizz in the morning. Sleep in a bun, she suggested.

“I have to think about this…” I said, mildly panicking. Of course right at that moment the song that started playing in the background was “The Funeral“, by Band of Horses, which always makes me want to sob (again…foreshadowing?).

I thought about it.

And I decided to do it anyway.

BIG MISTAKE.

This is what my hair looks like now. I know what you’re thinking! “Wow Liz, that’s got some body and wave to it! What are you whining about?” Well this, friends, is what my hair looks like after a night with it in curlers. You know, WHAT I DIDN’T WANT TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE. This is as good as it gets, basically.

Nearly as straight, but with a bunch of added frizz and a “wave” in the back that resembles what my hair would look like if I slept with it in a braid. Or a bun. Sigh.

You mean I can spend 250$ and have my hair look JUST like my old hair, except frizzier? You mean I WON’T EVEN BE ABLE TO CURL IT IN THE MORNING BECAUSE IT WILL FALL OUT?

Awesome.

Don’t do it, kids. Please don’t do it. Learn from Auntie Lizzie…just stick with the curling iron.